Inspired. Intelligent. Unapologetic.

Since gaining my She Writes It Facebook page, I must admit I’ve been getting pretty damn lazy with my blogging. Why take the time to set up a blog post (actual real work) when you can just piggy back someone else’s sh*t and add your 2 cents…point made, right? Or just sum up a feeling in 30 words or less & post to your wall. But this one started to be a thought that became too long, thus an actual post.

Who would’a ever thunk Christmas would be controversial? Who can oppose thoughts around Jesus? Jesus, God’s one and only son who represents good, hope and the light.

I was born and baptized in the church even though I’m sure my illegitimate status was frowned upon. I was confirmed into our church at the age of 12. My great grandfather was a minister. The reason I’m in this small city is because he and his family migrated here from the North to start the first Episcopal church in the area. As I got older and understood more of where I came from, I started to love my history. I enjoyed my church and the denomination I belonged to growing up. I visited some others that I didn’t like as much, but overall the Christian religion has been a core part to my life. Did I understand or agree with all the material taught within it, no. Have I read some of the bible and discovered what I felt were some great truths there, yes. However, all of this is simply a small part of my life and who I am. Even if it wasn’t I wouldn’t expect for my personal religion, thoughts and opinions surrounding it necessarily to be those that are shared by others. How arrogant is that? Even though religion is very similar to politics and people tend to have very strong beliefs surrounding them, it doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to even offer their viewpoint etc. unless it’s asked of them. I personally think that our relationship with (or even without) God is something that is a very special and sacred to us as individuals (you know…like the color of your underwear) and really isn’t anyone’s f’n business. (more…)

When you have the President of the United States urging our population to get serious about subjects like Science and Math and start creating more than consuming, then you know we have a problem. However, while I do think that each individual has power concerning their path, when the system that they are working within is broken, then what do you expect? And yes, I believe that our educational system is very broken. Even though we have introduced computers into the classroom, other than that, there are very few changes that have taken place in the classroom since the ice ages. And in a world where your average intelligent adult can’t keep up with all of the changes in technology etc., I couldn’t imagine so few changes concerning our educational system making any sense.

Every once in awhile when I’m in the car on a Friday, I’ll tune into “Science Friday” on NPR. This past Friday they were talking of girl’s involvement in Science and how more women need to enter the field of Science and Engineering. And beyond gender, how behind other countries we are when it comes to Science and for even those that enter college for the field, only about 40% will graduate. And while I wouldn’t have considered Science one of my favorite subject’s in school, I find many of their conversations and expert’s interesting. Why? Because they bring Science to life by helping the average non-nerd individual see how Science correlates to everyday life and does have an impact on a personal level. I have probably learned more on NPR’s Science Friday’s than I did my whole high school education. Once again, why? Because there are so many ways in which our education fails. (more…)

You may be wondering what this main pic has to do with this title, but the thing that they share in common is that I woke up to both this image on my night stand and this post idea at the same time, lol. To handle the thought, it’s sort of a recurring one in my head lately. With Steve Jobs, one of the greatest visionary’s of all time leaving the planet recently, you can’t help but take note of what his message was. However, I will say that after seeing one of his interviews, some of his message can sound a little conflicting. In the interview he specifically states how his family is the most important thing in life, but then one of his most infamous quotes speaks of having the courage to follow your heart  and intuition concerning what you want to become…everything else is secondary, hmmm. Not saying that both can’t be equally important, but we all know the trade offs and sacrifices that it often takes to follow your heart and dreams. I don’t know how at some point one wouldn’t have to be chosen over another in some capacity.

Another reason this thought has been around lately is due to a friend of mine who is struggling with some of the same thinking around what she is going to school for. She doesn’t necessarily love the field, but she wants the rewards that being in the field has to offer. It’s the struggle between idealism and realism. Because let’s face it, most people who do have responsibilities in life don’t always feel that following what you love is going to get the bills paid, even if it sounds great theoretically. It also may take you away from other things that you may love or want to become as well. Maybe someone doesn’t necessarily “love” their job, but they love what the money that they make from the job provides them. Maybe they just love money? .

There’s a strong voice to the “do what you love and the money will follow”, or do what you love and you will be successful. But there may be indefinite years of eating bread crumbs before that happens, and it may never happen. Anyone who lives long enough knows that nothing in this life is guaranteed, even if it sounds good in theory. If your definition of success is doing what makes you happy, there you have it! You just might be really unsuccessful in your off hours where you’re just doing whatever it takes to feed your face. (more…)

Even though Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be one of the most disliked celebrities out there, she’s always been one of my favorites. She seems to have a demeanor that can come off a little b*tch, but I think it’s more of an air about her that speaks of style and grace with a certain edge. She has a certain confidence about her and a good balance between dark and light that very few can master. I know she’s not the most personable, but she’s super talented and even though skinny blonde doesn’t register anywhere near my vocab, she seems to be one of the few pretty honest and grounded in Hollywood. She has been known to promote healthy eating as well as environmental awareness. I actually might say she is one that I wouldn’t mind my own daughter looking up to. She has a website called Goop that is worth checking out.

Recently she shared her thoughts on cheating (imagine someone actually being honest on such a taboo and highly emotional societal subject, oh my!). She says, “I am a great romantic—but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed—we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we’re all trying our best but life is complicated.”

I personally have my own theory on cheating and the idea behind it and it’s more sobering than hers. While I don’t understand people who marry even though they know they would or never could be faithful (minus falling of course victim to societal and relationship pressure as well as all of the “perks” and financial benefits etc., that can come with), I don’t believe that monogamy is for everyone. And while women do have a tendency to be more faithful than men (I think some of it stems from men just seeming to have more time on their hands and their “antenna” being outside their body), even if it’s only the man who is cheating in the relationship, it’s still not a monogamous relationship. However with technology and the way that life has changed over the last few decades (especially for women) I think that more women have became open to having more relationships with the opposite sex since our noses aren’t only stuck on baking pies and raising 10 kids. Really, if we considered “cheating” just as much an emotional act as a physical one, then we would probably consider a majority of all married people as unfaithful. People have been “cheating” for centuries only because of the fact that they do marry (or you know, say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend in 5th grade). I feel people mostly have good intentions, but in the end, what difference does intention make? There are books on emotional cheating that you can find where some couples agree that even giving someone of the opposite sex a lingering look or having multiple conversations with them should be considered cheating. Wow, there’s so much ground to cover with this topic, it’s amazing. (more…)

It seems the world is going through so many changes so rapidly these days that it’s almost impossible to keep up. With technology and the internet there’s no way anyone can escape all of the news about the economy, natural disasters and…well, yeh what’s going on in the marriage arena.

If you look up some ideas surrounding marriage on the internet, you will find many. Many have pictures of men bowing down to the woman, the man running. There was one where a woman says “Your dating became more important than my marriage”. Basically, that all boils down to the theory of women want kids and security and so they seek it out through marriage with men. Men, well they just want to conquer the world by making money and sleeping with as many women as possible (at least as far as if they are an attractive or sexually desirable male). So you can see the slight conflict in that to where there’s no mystery surrounding divorce. There’s another saying that is popular which is “a successful marriage requires you to fall in love always with the same person.” I’m not sure why you would need marriage to fall in love w/the same person over & over? I think just many a broken heart and stupidity would be required for that, lol. Oh and don’t forget the parent theory. Do we just try to replace or find parent’s within our spouses?

One of the hugest changes to marriage these days is the new legislation that is allowing same sex marriage. I personally am all for equal rights for everyone, but there’s no doubt that allowing others outside of men and women to marry will change the face of and ideas around marriage as if the concept is not already confusing enough. One of the biggest arguments for same sex marriage was that it is unfair for only heterosexual couples to have access to the legal benefits that marriage brings. I agree, however all of this really calls into question of what is marriage really? Should marriage be based around “love”? Is it meant to be a pillar in society that involves certain morals and religious beliefs used to procreate and keep families in tact? Or is it really more of a business proposition that simply gives one population of people more rights within the legal system? Seriously, what is marriage really, who defines it and how much power do we give it? (more…)

After getting the news about Amy Winehouse, there wasn’t any shock or disbelief on my behalf. I knew who she was (although there are many American’s that even still don’t have a clue), however even though I had a friend who had her CD a long time ago, I really hadn’t felt much desire dig in that direction.

“You’re nobody until somebody kills you” – Biggie Smalls infamous line. In Amy’s case, you’re nobody until you kill yourself. All I knew mostly about Amy was her bad rep for drugs and bad relationships. The tougher than life image that she portrayed with the bigger than life hair, trashy arm tattoos and I don’t give a fuck attitude. She made not giving a fuck look good (or bad, depending on what day, lol). She cussed in her songs and was painfully honest (I love that . She told reporters she was ugly. To some, maybe she was minus an angle shot here or there, but even still she had a certain appeal to her that her fans loved. She had an undeniable edge and just that something about her. She gave the bad girl in all of us an image and a voice. She was a small body with a small voice when she wasn’t on stage, but when she sang she brought out a soulful sound that was all it’s own.

She seemed to have been given two parents that loved her but it didn’t seem to be enough. It seems life was a struggle that she just couldn’t overcome. The drugs and darkness swallowed her whole. She lived with her heart on her sleeve like so many others who expect “love” or at least the feeling of it to save them.

She is the latest in a long line who have been so lucky and gifted but cursed at the same time with such pure and raw talent who end up with us for only a brief moment. But hey, without death, there is no life…without darkness, there is no light. None of us are here forever, no matter how much talent we may have or have not. So while there is sadness around her death, in her death there is a lot of life to be found. We should all be shocked and amazed by how one small person could have left such a huge mark in such little time and in spite of how fucked up she felt life was. She poured her insight, heart and soul into her music and it was a great gift. She gives strength to the people like me who go out on a rainy hot and humid August day to pump air in a bike tire and get mud all over them just to go into a store looking dirty but not really giving a shit. Who really gives a fuck what the world thinks? Thank you Amy Hope you find whatever it is you were searching for on earth in the after life.

We hear about things like “childless by choice” and Lady Gaga singing “Born This Way” concerning the gay population, but what about the even huger population out there that is less aware, recognized and scrutinized which is the “single” population? The title of this post is a little exaggerated, because let’s face it – no one knows what the future holds and nor do we live in anywhere near a certain world. So I can’t say for certain that I will be “single” for the rest of my life, lol, nor would I want to say that because who wants to live a life where they know exactly how things are going to turn out. But the point of this post is to acknowledge that being single for some people is not only necessary and plays a huge part in their own personal happiness and desire for freedom but provides an answer to their continual disappointment in their failed attempts to find something outside themselves that doesn’t exist. I think that yes, women in particularly have came at least a little ways in the realm of not being called “the old maid” if they are single past their “child bearing” years, but there is still so much pressure in society to not only have children, but to be married or in a relationship that it still makes me question how this could be a good thing? Shouldn’t being single and staying that way be more of an option without the same stereotypes and stigmas that surround the “circumstance?”

I mean if you aren’t in a relationship with someone, than something must be wrong with you, right? It must mean that you are miserable, going to die alone (gasp!). Isn’t this the worst fear ever, even though it is proven that yes indeed, most will die without the person they marry unless they just try a double homicide? It happens I guess…just not the way I intend on going out. Being a single means that you won’t pass on the family name even though many of us weren’t planned in the first place, much less should pass on our dysfunction and “dis-ease” to future generations. But hey, who the hell cares about fact and logic when you have “love”, right? Agh, the famous “L” word. I will save that topic for another day, because there is only so much typing time for me in this given moment.

I’m not saying that there aren’t some people who are miserable and lonely out there that are single, but there are some people who are miserable and lonely that are married also. Actually I would say from experience and with other people I have talked to, you can be more lonely and miserable within a marriage because that other person is usually the majority of your support in life. If they just don’t happen to like you on that given day, well then…fuck me. Even as a “singleton” I feel completely loved and supported through my kids (at least most of the time! lol) friends, family and co-workers and find fulfillment in life with the things I enjoy doing. At some point, don’t we all learn this heartbreaking life lesson whether married or through being mostly single? No one person is going to meet all your needs or give your life true joy and fulfillment. It just isn’t going to happen people. And there is really no need for someone just to lay beside me in the bed every night only to possibly reek havoc on my following day. (more…)

…at least while I was sleeping Actually I don’t remember us actually doing the deed, just some closeness in a pool. We must’ve been in Vegas somewhere where they have the clubs with the swimming pools where you can walk around holding your drink up high enough to avoid someone drenching it with chlorine. Actually now that I think about it, this was the second dream I’ve had w/one of those bar/pools…I can’t wait! It wasn’t really crowded, but there were random people here and there and I was living it up with Lil Wayne and couldn’t believe it! lol – It wasn’t too long before he was flying me places and hooking me up in the fashion world (not sure where the fashion came from, but I’ll take it!) where I too would soon be living the high life leaving behind my own legacy. Oh wow, if only our dreams were reality!

Now we all know that Lil’ Wayne isn’t too much to look at physically. Actually not really my type at all. But there’s just something about the dreads, him playing a guitar along with that swagger and sucking that lollipop that would make most women at least a little wet. I mean let’s get real ladies, what woman doesn’t want to fuck a millionaire?! It’s like saying that most men have never dreamed about fucking a woman with off the charts T&A. Oh, and let’s not forget that he’s a lyrical genius who if caught on a day without the weed and syzurp, would have to have something brilliantly intelligent to say. Yeh, after waking up not believing what I had just dreamed I can see why no other than Lil’ Wayne showed up in my other realm. Even though after waking up I had no idea where it had came from, I still felt the feeling I had from it all while dreaming. Who say’s dreams aren’t real?!

Of course the night before I had another real and vivid dream where at one point I remember it was so horrible and scary that I had tried wake myself up by telling myself that it was a dream while still dreaming. Most people have probably had those types of dreams as well. I was on vacation with my kids when we looked out over the sea and could see and hear a huge explosion. Everyone started running and I tried to find my kids so that we could get into some tiny capsule that we couldn’t stand up straight in because it kept turning upside down. Once again, I remember the feeling, but rather than a slice of heaven, it was more like hell 10x’s over.

Not sure what’s up with these dreams or what they really mean, but one thing is for sure, I definitely welcome Lil’ Wayne over the end of the world any day!

The media often throws numbers out that our minds can’t even really wrap around or that can end up being fictitious before all is said and done. I mean really, where do all these numbers come from and how accurate are they? Yet laws and legislation are made and passed around them. Such is the case most recently with unemployment in my state of North Carolina. As I just happened to walk by the television a few weeks ago as I was putting away laundry, I noticed another local story on unemployment benefits for my state. There have been so many, that for a second I preferred not to have my panic button pushed for the millionth time while being on unemployment and had almost convinced myself to not even watch it. But I did. Good thing (I guess) being that this time, I would be one of the thousands that would be affected by having my benefits expire almost five months before they were scheduled to due to our statistical unemployment rate dropping .1%, yes really. And although legislation in 8 other states had passed legislation to protect it’s people from this nightmare, as well as 6 other states who have it pending, North Carolina wasn’t one of them. We were given less than two weeks notice that we would no longer have any means to support ourselves or families. For a few days, I was pretty much in a state of panic where I couldn’t do anything (including sleep) for being paralyzed by fear of what at least my immediate future would hold.

There are a lot of thoughts on unemployment. At the age of 32, this has been the first time since working from age 15 that I have ever experienced it. While I would hear about and know others around me that had been laid off or unemployed, I don’t think that until now it has been such a widespread phenomenon (for lack of a better word). It was more of a situation that came with working for a company or industry that was going down hill or transitioning. But now, it seems more of a problem that stems from simple lack of jobs, outsourcing and the country that we once knew to be a certain way, changing. However, even with the facts there are definitely stigma’s surrounding related to shame and self-worth that keep people from talking about it or understanding the real issues around it during this day and time. (more…)

For those who don’t write (or for those who do, but don’t put their stuff out there) you wouldn’t think that writing occasionally for your own personal reasons on a blog could bring any real challenges. Often you hear about the infamous “writer’s block” where you can’t come up with anything to write about, but for me that’s never really been an issue. Since it is my blog  and isn’t some lucrative business where I just shoot out posts like a trigger happy retard, there’s no pressure as far as that goes. If I don’t feel like I have anything to say for awhile, I simply don’t write. However, most of my limited writing just has to do w/lack of spare time rather than lack of spare thoughts. Whether fortunate or unfortunate, I was born with plenty of those. If I sat down at the computer every day prepared to write, then I do believe I could find some sort of inspiration or subject matter that I could easily spill. So the problem I have with writing is not having enough to say or share but in deciding WHAT I should share.

The longest standing advice about writing is to write about what you know. Well, I know a lot, but not all of it do I want to share with the world and I know that while protecting me in some ways, it limits me in others. And I hate limitations. Especially when writing for me is a self-expression and when it is really real and a true reflection, can be a measurement of growth and proof of actualization. I truly believe that one who can really write from the heart, can actually witness their own actualization through their writing. It only takes desire to create this, but some real balls to share it. (more…)